SOLO

Innocent and delicate,

I'm tired of pretending.

I'm done.

What are you up to?

Where are you?

Did you eat?

Goodnight!

Baby,

Darling,

Honey,

I miss you.

It's all useless.

You got me like...

This is not a touching love story!

No romance, no sincerity.

I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry.

From today on...

I'm a shining solo!

Was used to being your girl,

now I'm used to being the GOAT.

You sittin' on your feelings,

I'm sittin' on my throne.

I ain't got no time for the troubles in your eyes,

this time I'm only lookin' at me, myself and I!

I'm going solo!

I'ma do it on my own now,

now that you're alone, gotcha lookin' for a clone now.

So low!

That's how I'm gettin' down,

destined for this and the crown.

Sing it loud like:

This is not a touching love story!

No romance, no sincerity.

I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry.

From today on...

I'm a shining solo!

After the relationship, romance, emotion,

there's breakup, 

tears, 

regrets, 

longing.

I like being alone, cause I should be true to myself!

Like the flowing wind,

like the stars above the clouds,

I want to go far away, I want to shine brightly!
Now I'm going slow-mo...

I'm a

shining

solo!

Jennie - SOLO

love yourself

In the past two years or so, my life kind of changed drastically. I learned a few things about myself, that made me the person who I am today, which made me realize that it's just a matter of perspective, to see yourself as someone you want to be.
I always had the problem that I felt numb and down, whenever my life started getting too dull and unexciting. I buried myself inside my own head, until I wasn't able to keep my mind and thoughts clean anymore. And at some point in my life I started realizing, that I was keeping myself from being happy. Ironic, because I always thought that being happy was the thing I wanted the most. But in fact, I just really didn't want to get better in any way. My depression, my anxiety, were like a warm coat that protected me from the cold, hard truth that life is all about. Saying "I can't do it anyways", "I'm not worth it", "I'm a failure", was only a defense mechanism to make it easier for myself, because I was overwhelmed with everything that growing up and living a normal life brought to me. Of course, it's not always perfect, nonetheless fair or easy for anyone, but that's what it's all about. Life is a challenge and the biggest weakness a person can show, is to go against that challenge. To give up and bury themself, because they think they can't take it anymore.
So, I started questioning my way of thinking. I started reinterpreting my life as it was at this point and was eventually able to tell myself the following few things, without feeling like I was completely bullshitting myself;
I am the main character of my own life.
I am worth it.
Even if it takes some time, I can do it.

And with that truth spoken, I changed. Little by little, without even realizing it, I started changing myself so much, that I can actually say "I'm happy with myself" now. It was a process, that wore me out sometimes, but in the end, when I'm looking at it now, it was so worth it, I can't even put it in words.
I stopped hurting myself. I'm not just talking about the basic cutting my wrists and legs, I'm talking about in general. I stopped caring about the opinion of irrelevant people, stopped running after those who are not worth my time. I learned to take some time for myself, to think things through, when I really need it. I accepted the fact, that I need to take care of myself, before I care about other people's problems and that's something, that's really important for me.

So, overall... I'm happy now, mostly. Not all the time, but at least I learned how to cope with feeling down.

maybe, maybe

When did this all start to go down so fast, so rapidly? Was it bad fate all from the beginning? And when did I start taking myself down again? I really thought, I was finally over this whole bullcrap, but obviously, I'm not. I'm still running after people, I still care way too fucking much. I still care too much about people, who are mentally destroying me, so hard, that it's getting painfully numb and dull around me. I'm so tired of this whole bullshit, tired of always fighting her, tired of always being the goddamn asshole, tired of always being at fault in her eyes. I'm still taking such huge efforts to show her, that I'm not going to leave her alone, but actually...
Actually I really fuckin' want to let go of her now... Because she's annoying the shit out of me. Because she always ruins my damn mood. Because she loses her shit from 0 to 180 and vents her anger on me, when she can't have what she wants. Because she can't fuckin' take what she's dishing out. Because I'm so sick of being her punching bag and not feeling loved by my own best friend.
Well... maybe it's better that way. Maybe I should just stop caring again. Maybe I should stop forgiving now...

Maybe it's time to end this now.

Shining

My handsome boy... 

My smile-to-go. 

My fulltime energy refill..

I'm so sad... 

You know? I would've given everything to see you right in front of me for once. 

I would've paid so much money, would've travelled so far. 

But I wasn't lucky enough. 

The tickets were completely sold out in less than five minutes.. I wanted to cry. 

Of course, I was happy for my friends who were able to go see you. 

But I was so disappointed. 

I really, really wanted to see you and the boys so bad, it broke my heart a little that it just wasn't possible. 

You're still travelling all around the world and I don't want to be greedy. 

But it hurts.. Even if it sounds crazy and desperate, but it hurts so bad..

I really hope you come back here soon and give the people who couldn't come a second chance to at least try..