I always had the problem that I felt numb and down, whenever my life started getting too dull and unexciting. I buried myself inside my own head, until I wasn't able to keep my mind and thoughts clean anymore. And at some point in my life I started realizing, that I was keeping myself from being happy. Ironic, because I always thought that being happy was the thing I wanted the most. But in fact, I just really didn't want to get better in any way. My depression, my anxiety, were like a warm coat that protected me from the cold, hard truth that life is all about. Saying "I can't do it anyways", "I'm not worth it", "I'm a failure", was only a defense mechanism to make it easier for myself, because I was overwhelmed with everything that growing up and living a normal life brought to me. Of course, it's not always perfect, nonetheless fair or easy for anyone, but that's what it's all about. Life is a challenge and the biggest weakness a person can show, is to go against that challenge. To give up and bury themself, because they think they can't take it anymore.
So, I started questioning my way of thinking. I started reinterpreting my life as it was at this point and was eventually able to tell myself the following few things, without feeling like I was completely bullshitting myself;
I am the main character of my own life.
I am worth it.
Even if it takes some time, I can do it.
And with that truth spoken, I changed. Little by little, without even realizing it, I started changing myself so much, that I can actually say "I'm happy with myself" now. It was a process, that wore me out sometimes, but in the end, when I'm looking at it now, it was so worth it, I can't even put it in words.
I stopped hurting myself. I'm not just talking about the basic cutting my wrists and legs, I'm talking about in general. I stopped caring about the opinion of irrelevant people, stopped running after those who are not worth my time. I learned to take some time for myself, to think things through, when I really need it. I accepted the fact, that I need to take care of myself, before I care about other people's problems and that's something, that's really important for me.
So, overall... I'm happy now, mostly. Not all the time, but at least I learned how to cope with feeling down.
